Growing Pains

Yes, we are LID! We were officially "logged in dossier" on December 28th. This means our dossier (adoption paperwork) is being processed by the CCCWA. I've been hoping that we were but when I spoke with our social worker yesterday, she hadn't heard. She received an email today... What a wonderful birthday surprise! When they finish processing our paperwork, they will issue our Letter of Acceptance (LOA). We will travel approximately 8 weeks after LOA. Hypothetically, we could receive LOA as soon as a few weeks. However, it is realistic that we will wait approximately 2 months. A 2 month wait would mean that we would miss Maeli's birthday. I am fervently praying that we get LOA quickly. I want this process to be God's perfect timing... Our God is a big God and I will continue to ask for a miracle.

This past week has been one of the most difficult weeks in the process. I think missing Maeli at Christmas, not knowing if we had been logged in (nothing processes until we are logged in), and coming to terms with the fact that we will likely miss her 13th birthday hit me hard... God has called me to be Maeli's mother He has woven the same love and protection I have for Chase and Emma in my heart for Maeli. The hard part of this is that I know where Chase and Emma are. I know they go to bed full and fed with hugs, kisses, and warm clothes. I know they are safe. Most of all I know that they know they are safe, secure, and loved. Our precious Maeli is half way around the world and I am helpless and unable to "mother" my child. It's a helpless feeling... I just pray-pray that God will wrap His arms around her and put people in her life to show her love, compassion, and security. He's been faithful in allowing us to have updates from American volunteers at the orphanage who report that she is excelling, learning English, and is clinging to our photos we sent. This makes my heart jump with joy and break at the same time. The volunteers say she grins big when she looks at our family photo and even had them print her an extra one. I'm glad she is excited when she looks at our photo. She should have more than a photo, and that breaks my heart...

I find myself feeling guilty. Guilty about having fun, doing things without her. I find myself wondering what her reaction to all the new experiences will be. I find myself being sad and even angry that my little girl is having to experience such loss and loneliness at such a young age. Adoption is a wonderful way to grow a family. But adoption is hard and full of loss for the child, the birth family, and even the adoptive family. So I try to put it all into perspective, when my heart is breaking, it's means my love is growing and God is preparing my heart for a lifetime of motherhood to a little girl who grew not under my heart but in it.


- Jessica